


Never A Daddy

by skargasm



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2013-06-17
Packaged: 2017-12-15 05:37:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/845919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skargasm/pseuds/skargasm





	Never A Daddy

There were other things he would rather be doing with his time but he'd taken the call and rather than bother the Slayer, the Watcher or Red with the phone call from Dave at the Black Lion, he decided he might as well go himself. No surprise that it was raining – it was always raining in bloody Scotland. He shouldn't complain – the constant rain and dreary skies made it a lot easier to get around and anything that got him away from that rabbiting gaggle of girls they called the Slayer Army was well worth it.

He shifted politely to let a couple out of the pub before stepping in, shaking the rain off of his duster as he walked over to the bar. 

“Hey Dave – thanks for the call mate. Where is he?” Dave, who could at best be described as a bear of a man who had let himself go just a little (Spike shuddered to think what he would look like in typical Daddy leather gear), came straight over, giving Spike a weak smile as he did so.

“Hey Spike, I've cut him off but he's pretty much three sheets to the wind. Put him into the cubby round the back with a cuppa coffee.”

“You're a good 'un mate, I'll go get him.” 

“You want a pint to take with ya?” Dithering slightly, Spike smiled as Dave handed him a pint of bitter, waving off Spike's silent reach for his jacket pocket. Taking an appreciative sip, Spike made his way through the meandering path that led through the tables and chairs towards the back cubby. He sighed as the saloon doors gave him a clear view of Xander slumped into a booth, head lolling back slightly onto the neck rest, hand cradling a mug of coffee. 

Taking a seat opposite, Spike waited for Xander to notice his arrival, sighing loudly when it became obvious that the young man was completely oblivious to his company. Any fledge could have stepped in and started having a light supper before the bloody idiot noticed – it wasn't right the boy acting like this.

“Eh, Xander, what's got you all in a tizz?” Spike smirked as Xander's head lurched upward, one bloodshot hazel eye meeting his gaze with bleariness and not a small amount of shock. 

“S..s..s..spike.” Xander's voice was slurred and it was obvious he'd been drinking for quite some time.

“Yep, in the flesh. You gonna tell me what's got you in such a lather that you're sat here offering an all you can eat buffet to any git who wanders in?”

“Dave would scare them off with his flirting. 'Sides, I just wanted a drink.” The way Xander avoided his gaze made Spike wonder just what had set him off. He couldn't think of anything big that had happened at Slayer Headquarters recently so he was stumped for a reason. 

“Didn't think you were much of a one for a drink, what with your dad an' all.” Xander gave a bitter laugh before taking another sip of his coffee. 

“Oh yeah, my dad. A regular prince he was. No, drinking is not of the good when it comes to the Harris genes. Not that we have to worry about the Harris genes now, do we?” Another sip of the coffee although it didn't look like he was noticing the taste or appreciating it. Brain ticking over with what Xander had revealed, Spike was still hard pressed to come up with anything. “Nope, no procreation for me – no little Xanders wandering the earth once I'm gone.”

“Er – you wanna catch me up just a little pet – kinda feel like I've entered a play midway through and I haven't seen hide nor hair of the script.” 

“I remember reading a card or something once – said any man can be a father but it takes a **real** man to be a daddy.”

“Ooookay. Still not following.” Sliding down in the booth until he was slumped comfortably, he took another sip of his pint. He got the feeling he might need another one if the pup was going to be quite so oblique with his references. 

“It's Father's day today, did you know that? Did you have Father's Day when you were alive??” 

“Nah, think you Yanks created that one after I was dead mate. Besides, was a right Mummy's boy I was – more than likely wouldn't have taken much notice.” He let his thoughts settle. “Is that what this is about – Father's Day?? You thinking about your dad?”

“Him?? No – waste of space he was. I warned him, you know, before the First. Tried to get him and my Mom to leave Sunnydale, listen to me. But no, that's not what's on my mind.” Xander looked coldly sober now in spite of the bleary eyes and red nose. His hair was matted to his forehead with sweat and he looked rumpled and generally untidy. Spike realised something was seriously eating him up. 

“Xander - “

“We never really thought about whether she could get pregnant or not, you know. What with her being a vengeance demon and everything like that, it didn't really hit our radar. Until we started talking about getting married and she was going on and on about having a family. She even asked D'hoffryn – I can never say his name right – if she could and he said he wasn't sure. So, all the time we were together – like, seriously together? We never used anything. It's not like she was sleeping with anyone else - “ Spike shuffled uncomfortably in his seat but kept his mouth shut. “ - not after that anyway. And nothing happened for us and it was fine. I mean, I expected to be demon fodder pretty much every weekend so what could I offer, you know?”

Spike suddenly had an inkling just why Xander smelt so strongly of bitterness and misery. They had all faced their particular demons about how Sunnydale ended – the losses they sustained, how they had struggled for a sense of purpose in the aftermath. When he'd rejoined them after appearing with Angel, there had been a sense of malaise about the place that had slowly lifted. But obviously the boy was going through something here that he didn't want to share with his pals. Even so...

“Xander, have you spoken to Giles - “

“Can't talk to him about it can I? What if he's got his own baggage about never having kids of his own? Besides, he's got Buffy – to all intents and purpose, he's her father isn't he? So, no biological kid of his own but he's been a daddy hasn't he? Hasn't he Spike?!” Meeting the wavering eye across the width of the tablet, Spike nodded sadly and waited for Xander to carry on. The boy needed someone to listen and it looked like Spike was it. Not that it was a hardship – he and Xander were slightly more than fighting comrades now. More like edging towards friendship, something he hadn't had in a very long time. He could be here for the boy. “The night before – before the First, you know? The night before, we sat up and talked. It felt like we were almost back to where we were before the wedding but better, so much better. More honest.” Another long sip of the coffee and he was looking slightly more aware. “We made love and it was – God, I sound like such a sap but it was so special. And we were snuggling afterwards – she loved to snuggle. People didn't know that about her – all they heard were her comments about money, how blunt she could be. But Anya loved to cuddle up and talk. Made me feel like I was worth listening to. And she said – she said that she was late.”

Oh God, words to instil panic in most men but in the boy? Probably the words he'd been longing to hear his whole life. Spike could understand it – they were bloody similar after all. Someone who loved him, who wanted to be with him, build a family with him? Yeah, that would so be the boy's dream. So this - 

“And I remember I had this grin on my face that spread so wide and then the terror hit. Because I realised I might never get to see it – I was going in with the big fighting and I might never get to see her big and waddling around; never get to go to the Walmart in the middle of the night to buy whatever she was craving; never get to build a crib for it with my own two hands. Because I knew – I just _knew_ I was going to die.” 

“Xander, look, I'm so - “

“And you know what she did?? She held me – hugged me tight and started telling me about what our life was going to be like after we won. Where she wanted to live, and the best schools. Damn, she practically had names picked out. She was so happy and so, so beautiful.”

“I'm so sorry.”

“And after all that, after how many damn years on the Hellmouth throwing myself up against every big bad that turned up, when I should have died so many years ago, I made it. I made sure Buffy and Willow put her where she couldn't come to too much harm and I walked into battle with something totally real to fight for, to live for. More than anything I wanted to get out of there in one piece with all of my friends and the white hats win the day and drive off into the sunset.” 

“Look, Pet, there is no way you coulda known....”

“Fuckin' **Andrew** made it out of there in one piece but I got to that bus and I looked for her and I knew. I just knew.” Xander drained the mug of coffee then looked up and stared at Spike with one tear-soaked eye. “She didn't make it, just one more casualty. But that wasn't all I lost – I didn't just lose the woman that I loved, I lost my family. A chance at a family and a normal life. I'm never getting away from this fight and I'm never going to be a daddy Spike and today – today, that just really hurts.” 

With no conscious thought, Spike reached across the table, grabbing Xander's hand from where it was curled limply around the empty mug. Squeezing his fingers, he stared back at the boy – no, the man. Anyone who had given as much as Xander had given to the fight deserved to be called a man. The hand in his shook before Xander slowly squeezed back, accepting Spike's attempt at comfort.

“Come on mate. Got a bottle at home – you can get drunk at my place without any of the natives deciding to nosh on ya.” Draining his glass, Spike slammed it down onto the table top and got to his feet. Carefully, he tugged Xander up and gave him a shoulder to lean on as he staggered slightly as they headed towards the door. 

“Spike, don't - “

“Don't worry, mate. Scooby gang won't hear none of this from me.” 

“Thanks Spike.” A heavy hand landed on his shoulder and Xander tripped slightly as he looked back with gratitude. “Just - “

“No probs mate – you can be there the next time I lose my shit with memories of Dru, yeah?”

“Deal.”

* * *

fin

* * *


End file.
